Sunday Thoughts

I'm just a demsel in distress, lost in her own world, dreaming that life is a fairytale and believing in happily ever after knowing that reality doesn't work that way, I still choose to believe it as I struggle everyday trying to find happiness in my unhappy world filled with judgemental and stereotypical people who never really bothered thinking about what I actually went through that makes me who I am now. 

I mean, can you actually imagine being wide awake at 4am fighting nothing but the demons living inside of you? I've never really showed anyone the down side of me, lol. What do people actually sees me as? Someone who's heartless. But well, heartless people are people too, everyone has hearts; some just doesn't feel it anymore. That's when they've felt the most painful pain up to the point where their hearts can no longer take it anymore. They feel numb and feel that there's no use being nice to people because let's face it, people are gonna leave you, no one really stays in your life. No one but God. 

Believe it or not, I'm a believer in Christ and though I question my faith sometimes, He's the only one that I can 101% turn to through every trial. I may not be able to see Him and yeah, there are actually times where I'd feel lonely and hopeless, thinking that there's no one to count on in this world. But I'm happy enough to say that I'm blessed, way too blessed. 

Today, I feel blessed. Despite the problems that I'm facing right now and all kinds of fear and sadness that's in me, I feel blessed. It have been a long time since I've felt this blessed. 

I'm just a sinner, I've disappointed people countless of times and hurt many hearts. 

But why? 

Why am I still blessed with such a wonderful family who loves me and takes care of me? Spoiling me with everything that I want and a mom who would go miles just to save me no matter how many times I have disappointed her since young? Blessed with a mom who can still support my brothers and I to study eventho God has taken my dad away from her? Why am I blessed with friends who would waste their breath telling me to stop doing harm to myself and even going an extra mile by taking care of me on nights when I'm wasted and too drunk to function?

Lastly, why am I blessed with a guy who sees me differently from everyone else despite all the bitter things that people says about me? A guy who would come all the way to my place at 3 in the morning just to cheer me up and calm me down? 

Isn't it crazy how blessed I am despite the bad things that I do in life?

To think about it, there is always happiness in the downside in life. Sure people might think badly of me and I might have a bad reputation but why should I care about their opinion when they're not the ones who's gonna decide if I'm going to heaven or hell? Who are these people anyways? Why should I take their opinion and hurt myself for them? The only opinion that matters to me is God's and that's it. 

I might have thousands of haters against me but if God is for me, who can be against me?