Sunday Thoughts

I'm just a demsel in distress, lost in her own world, dreaming that life is a fairytale and believing in happily ever after knowing that reality doesn't work that way, I still choose to believe it as I struggle everyday trying to find happiness in my unhappy world filled with judgemental and stereotypical people who never really bothered thinking about what I actually went through that makes me who I am now. 

I mean, can you actually imagine being wide awake at 4am fighting nothing but the demons living inside of you? I've never really showed anyone the down side of me, lol. What do people actually sees me as? Someone who's heartless. But well, heartless people are people too, everyone has hearts; some just doesn't feel it anymore. That's when they've felt the most painful pain up to the point where their hearts can no longer take it anymore. They feel numb and feel that there's no use being nice to people because let's face it, people are gonna leave you, no one really stays in your life. No one but God. 

Believe it or not, I'm a believer in Christ and though I question my faith sometimes, He's the only one that I can 101% turn to through every trial. I may not be able to see Him and yeah, there are actually times where I'd feel lonely and hopeless, thinking that there's no one to count on in this world. But I'm happy enough to say that I'm blessed, way too blessed. 

Today, I feel blessed. Despite the problems that I'm facing right now and all kinds of fear and sadness that's in me, I feel blessed. It have been a long time since I've felt this blessed. 

I'm just a sinner, I've disappointed people countless of times and hurt many hearts. 

But why? 

Why am I still blessed with such a wonderful family who loves me and takes care of me? Spoiling me with everything that I want and a mom who would go miles just to save me no matter how many times I have disappointed her since young? Blessed with a mom who can still support my brothers and I to study eventho God has taken my dad away from her? Why am I blessed with friends who would waste their breath telling me to stop doing harm to myself and even going an extra mile by taking care of me on nights when I'm wasted and too drunk to function?

Lastly, why am I blessed with a guy who sees me differently from everyone else despite all the bitter things that people says about me? A guy who would come all the way to my place at 3 in the morning just to cheer me up and calm me down? 

Isn't it crazy how blessed I am despite the bad things that I do in life?

To think about it, there is always happiness in the downside in life. Sure people might think badly of me and I might have a bad reputation but why should I care about their opinion when they're not the ones who's gonna decide if I'm going to heaven or hell? Who are these people anyways? Why should I take their opinion and hurt myself for them? The only opinion that matters to me is God's and that's it. 

I might have thousands of haters against me but if God is for me, who can be against me? 

Anonymous Compliments

Different people have different ways to handle compliments. 

Some enjoys receiving it, some don't. 

The ones that doesn't enjoy getting it are probably the ones with low self-esteem, people who don't see the beauty in themselves as the way other sees them. Others might not enjoy it because they're shy and hates being the center of attention. 

There are days where I'd fall into this category of people who doesn't enjoy being complimented I admit. And personally, the reason why I would feel this way is because I know that not all people are sincere and sadly, there are infact people who are only nice in order to get what they want. I'm not trying to generalize here, I mean there are still really nice people who compliment me sincerely and want nothing in return but however, I find it hard to believe at times because well.. insecurities. 

I went on ask.fm today and received a question that says, 

"Would you rather get compliments from anons or someone that you love?"

It took me awhile to think of an answer to this question because I was stuck between the two options but after a few thoughts, I came up with this thinking that anonymous compliments are the best because you know they aren't trying to gain anything from it. Compliments from someone that I love/my love ones can be the best ones too ofcourse. 

However, I'm overly analytical when it comes to these things, I think too much. Whenever my love ones compliments me, there are times when I'd take it and times when I don't. I guess insecurity is really a bitch. Its able to make me feel so low about myself and overthink up to the point where I would come up with the thought that my loved ones are complimenting me out of pity to make me feel good about myself. 

Well.. I guess you can say that my self-esteem is pretty low haha. 

Afterall, at the end of the day, despite all the insecurities and over-thinking, I do enjoy getting compliments. Anonymous ones especially. It gives me some boost to my self-esteem at times and I'm pretty sure a decent level of self-esteem is always good right? 

A compliment a day takes an insecure soul away (: 

Unfading Scars

So I decided to start blogging again since I've been having the feels to write about all the conflicting emotions that have been going through my mind for the past few weeks.

To be honest, I feel like I've been feeling a little lost in my own world lately. I don't know why but I guess it's just one of those days where I would get flashbacks about my bitter past and start feeling sad all over again. On top of that, all the rumours that I've been hearing about me. Crazy how words can just hurt you more than blades and razors.

I guess the past really left a scar on me. It makes me feel so traumatized about being nice and hence, the bitchy attitude that I've been giving to people without realizing. But well, at the end of the day, people only sees me as that bitch who does nothing but steals people's boyfriend and goes around sending hates to others and having friends with benefit relationships with other guys, am I right?

If only they know the things I've been through. Maybe they'd think differently.